Relationships 101: Stop Fighting and Start Conversing

Relationships 101: Stop Fighting and Start Conversing

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Hey There, Stranger

So, dear reader, I have clearly been MIA for a number of months. The last time I posted here, I was just entering the busy season at work, and since then, I have been busy pursuing my dreams! I have always wanted to freelance for my favorite magazines, so this blog was my first brave step in the right direction. I now write for Examiner.com, as the New York Relationships Communication Examiner, as I'm sure you might have guessed. So, I have not given up on this blog, but in order to pay the bills, I've had to go on hiatus from this medium for a while. Please check up on me when you can at Examiner.com>>New York>>Relationships>>Relationship Communication Examiner or just simply click or copy and paste this link into your browsers: http://www.examiner.com/x-12649-NY-Relationship-Communication-Examiner. I will try to post my articles on here, as well.

You better be soakin' up the sun!
*EC

The Jokes on Us

Tonight, I met up with some of my girl friends for fake ice cream at Berrywild (far superior to Pinkberry!), and like every other night, we got to talking about men…or should I say boys? (Because these undeserving 20-somethings we talk about are absolutely not men!) I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining the situations in the very same excruciating detail that I’m sure you all hear about in some variation from your own friends. (I read somewhere that growing old is physical, while growing up is spiritual, and well…with 24/7 Sportscenter updates, there’s just no time for soul-searching and very little for relationships with women since they so often require leaving the couch!) On some level, we females are bonding by getting a laugh out of each other’s so-ridiculous-you-can’t-make-them-up stories. (Misery loves company, right?) But when will we finally discover that the joke’s on us?

My friend G. dropped this enlightening bombshell on me today: She said she has spent her 20s talking about boys and thinking about boys, analyzing almost-relationships with her friends and continually lowering her standards. And finally, she's just had enough. After the last jerk, she started taking a pottery class and swimming again. For the first time in a long time, she's not dating anyone, but she's so happy.

Her revelation is one so obvious, it stings a little: If we spend less time talking about guys, we might actually learn something about our friends, and more importantly, we might learn something about ourselves.

So, maybe it’s time to be selfish! When was the last time you allowed yourself to think of no one else’s feelings but your own? When was the last time you asked yourself ‘what makes ME happy?’ When was the last time you thought about what you really want? It's been a really long time for me.

Maybe if we all take some time for ourselves, we will fall in love with someone more significant than any guy we can pick up at the bar.

After all, isn't it about time you got the last laugh?

Forgoing the Run-On Sentence

You know how you and the boy broke up but you’re still kind of calling each other/thinking of each other and still wanting to make it work even though you’re both hooking up with other people cuz you are both fighting for your pride/the upper hand/who can write the meanest/most heartwrenching text messages but you are scared for your heart’s well-being cuz it has already been destroyed by this person but you still want them in your life in any capacity because you love them and they love you and you wanted it to work and you’re mad and they’re mad cuz they wanted it to work too…but the timing is off and the trust is shot and the emotions are high...so ultimately…what you’ve got at the end of the day is two really mad/bitter/upset/angry people who won’t be able to make it work because they’re both too busy playing games with each others’ hearts backstreet-boys-style and let’s be honest…who on earth survives that emotional rollercoaster?

Phewwwwww~! I’m happy I chose to let go of an unfulfilling relationship, instead of desperately grasping at the air, trying to hold on to something that no longer existed. Maybe I really am growing up? ;)

Honey, You're Glowing

I mixed up my paperwork in my rush to leave work today, and in doing so I had to go back and redo the same menial task. As I was hurriedly retracing my steps, I kept complaining to myself about how shitty my job was and how ridiculous it was that I had to do all this again...blah blahh blahhh! But, then a little lightbulb went off: I did it to myself. It wasn’t that my job is shitty because I enjoyyy my job. And it wasn’t my boss’ fault, even though I had a few choice words for him in my thoughts as well. But, it was my own damn fault because I was not thorough enough in completing my last task of the day. Period.

I got to thinking about this concept. That I did it to myself…that we alllll do it to ourselves. That in fact, we are responsible for our own destinies in that we have the choice to approach a task in any way we choose, and in that we alwayyys have the choice to be present in the moment. It's a bit eerie thinking about how much we are capable of influencing if we are willing to keep our minds open to the vast possibilities. If we choose to care about the little details and really be in the here and now, life will inevitably start looking up.

In our friendships and relationships, too. Don’t shake your head over there. I’m serious. You are the only person who can choose how you communicate with others. I just finished reading “The Celestine Prophecy,” by James Redfield-- if you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a big reader—and it delved into people’s different communication approaches. Unknowingly, most of us seek to steal some of another person’s “energy” to gain power over the other person and to make ourselves feel better. The book even breaks down these “control dramas,” or stereotypes that we naively slip into while conversing. Here’s how it might look in real life: You know when you spend a lot of time with one person, and you leave them feeling a bit miserable and doubtful? Next time, pay closer attention to why you feel that way. Maybe that person isn’t in the moment and doesn’t listen to what you say, or he complains a lot or brags too much. Pay even closer attention to the role you step into in order to deal with this person’s communication method. Maybe you start to think your apartment/shirt/cell phone/man/life goal/dream/(insert pretty much anything here) is not as great as you thought. “Everyone manipulates for energy either aggressively, directly forcing people to pay attention to them, or passively, playing on people’s sympathy or curiosity to gain attention.” That person who made you feel down on yourself?? You probably let them manipulate you! Scary.

And you know how you feel when someone pays total and complete attention to you…and they really listen to and absorb what you’re saying? You feel like you’re literally glowing. (You are definitely smiling right now, and maybe your mind is wandering to thoughts of someone who has made you feel this good?) This person is totally focused on you, and thus is sending their energy your way…making you feel bigger and stronger and more confident. Now THAT’S being present in the moment. And THAT’S what’s electrifying about caring and being wholly invested in all aspects of your life. Grrr~ You can choose to make people feel that good, too.

Sort of thrilling, huh?

My Lovesick Puppy Ass

I’ve been sneezing and vomiting and sleeping and coughing for about a week straight, and you know how when you’re all sick and medicated and snotty and lightheaded and half-asleep and half-awake for days on end—things start to get a little fuzzy? Well… please try your best to bear with me.

In and out of my medication-induced coma, I kept thinking about the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” It had my girl friends and I glued to our seats, riveted. The concept that if a guy likes you, he will call you, date you, see you, sleep with you, and then in time, marry you is pretty simple on paper. But, taken off the page and put to action, the concept doesn’t really stick.

When I fall for someone, I try to act like I don’t care, but my expressions and even my actions betray my best attempts to conceal my feelings. And, when I’ve fallen, I can’t see straight. I can’t pick up on little signals that he isn’t into me because, like many other girls, I’m only paying attention to the signs that he might actually like me back. So, how am I supposed to pull my head out of my lovesick-puppy ass, and figure out that he’s just not that into me? It’s easy to look back and figure it out:

Classic Example of “He’s Just Not That Into You”: This boy I met my freshman year of college asked me to go out with him to the dining hall. He said that he would buy me a hot chocolate with his dining hall points. That was the best he could do, and I thought it was really romantic. This guy turned out to be the asshole who made it his job to steal my virginity. Shortly thereafter, the long phone calls turned into short texts, the short texts turned into quick IMs. Soon enough, the IMs stopped, and he literally disappeared from the campus. He has been missing, but not missed, since 2003.

Classic Counter Example of “He‘s Just Not That Into You”: On Spring Break in 2007, I bumped into a perfect gentleman who asked me to dance and/or grind (albeit, drunkenly), kissed me and didn’t want to let me go until he had to leave. He came to visit, and he called me pretty regularly for a few months afterward—just to talk. He was from Kansas, and it clearly didn’t work out—but he tried because he liked me.

Ding Ding! I see how it should look. But, applied to real life and in real time, I still think the concept will be just as fuzzy and unclear as my body feels after all these shots of Nyquil.

Hope Sinks

I felt my heart beat faster and faster and my self-confidence draining out of me quicker and quicker as I looked anxiously left and right at the windows along Fifth Ave. on my way home from work today. Hearts! Chocolates! Lingerie! Diamonds! UGHHhhh. When no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t tear my eyes away from the kisses overzealously plastered all over Juicy Couture’s glass façade, I admitted defeat and breathed deeply to hinder a dramatic panic attack. I knew I could no longer ignore the fact that this Valentines Day, I would be absolutely MISERABLE.

Now what in the hell am I supposed to do on February 14th? I don’t want to force some schmuck to take me out to dinner because then I have to smile and act interested, and put on the offer-to-pay-even-though-I-really-won’t-cuz-you-asked-me-out show. And if and when I go out with the girls, we will inevitably drink way too much wine and then take turns whining before we go out and find those sleazy guys who wait all year for this very night, when pretty single girls get sloppy drunk and lower their standards for a much needed ego boost. Eww.

Let’s be honest: the Hallmark guy is mean. He’s unfeeling, and you knowww he is probably just some womanizing jerk who knew he could take advantage of the emotions of romantic women all over the world who need and/or demand to be shown how much their guy loves them on this oh-so-formal day for gestures of love and cheesiness. The Hallmark guy should be jailed; he is singlehandedly responsible for destroying rose gardens the world over, depleting every working man’s bank account, recession or not, and devastating many a woman’s self-worth.

Including mine. Now, since I can’t seem to find my way back into that simple, numb little bubble world I created to protect myself from unnecessary outbursts such as these, I’ll go watch “The Notebook,” let the tears out that I’ve been holding in all day, and live vicariously through someone else’s happy ending.

One Phoenix in NYC

My boyfriend and I broke up after five years of being together about five, four or was it three? months ago (you know how these things go~). That was the first time I really listened to the strange and prodding little inner voices that started as whispers months before and, soon enough, were screaming dangerous thoughts into my ear until I didn’t quite know who I was anymore. So, I imploded and watched my relationship go with it. Just as soon as we had said our tearful goodbyes, the voices disappeared. Even as I mourned, I still somehow felt relieved and hopeful, and I felt awkwardly stronger and even more confident in my decision to move forward. So, 2009 and President #44 could not have come at a better time; I needed a new start.

Since I am very close to my self-help guru of a mother, it comes as no surprise that in my need for guidance, I perused Barnes and Noble’s huge shelves and browsed its online bestseller lists for the perfect pick-me-up. I chose just the right title: “Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow,” by Elizabeth Lesser, co-founder of the famous Omega Institute. Lesser writes about the “Phoenix Process,” the concept that if we are brave enough to pay attention to those life-altering inner voices screaming dangerous thoughts, letting them force us to reevaluate ourselves and drag us down into the deepest, darkest depths of our souls, we will reemerge humbled, having discovered something new about who we really are and what we really need to be happy. So, like the mythical bird the term refers to, we are reborn from the ashes.
This particular quote from the book really struck me:

“When I emerged from my journey in the underworld, I was cracked and battered,
but I was also strangely at peace. I had broken open. I was no longer a tight little bud. I had risked everything and had blossomed.”

In my own experience, after I finally stopped struggling to ignore my inner voices and listened, letting them shatter my seemingly perfect little world, I felt “strangely at peace.” It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off of me; I finally discovered that I needed to be more honest with myself and what I truly wanted, at work and in my relationships. I didn’t know I was in the midst of my version of a Phoenix Process until it was halfway over. And that is a more encouraging feeling than any I’ve had in quite some time.

*EC

Yes we can! Obama's picture-perfect pep talk.

I still have chills from our new President’s optimistic, and yet still realistic, inaugural speech. Finally!!! Someone is standing up and forcing all of us, regardless of our race, religion or social status, to look ourselves long and hard in the mirror, and make the responsible decision to “set aside childish things.” WOW.~

So, here’s my look in the mirror…On this great day of inspiration and hopefulness, how could I not reflect upon my own life and how this new administration and attitude will affect me? I want to contribute; I want to feel “a willingness to find meaning in something greater than” myself. But at the same time, isn’t this also a wake-up call, and one that is open to our own interpretations? Isn’t it also the time for us all to take the “chance to pursue [our] full measure of happiness??" Because in pursuing our own happiness, we will undoubtedly be encouraging others to do the same. As I wrote that last sentence, I kept thinking of this quote from the basketball movie, Coach Carter:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we
are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most
frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in
everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.”

President Obama gave our country the perfect pep talk. It is not just his responsibility to repair this nation; we must do our part.

"Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.” Click for the youtube video of Obama's oath/inauguration speech.

*EC